Naked: Musings from a Broken Heart

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And every time we see another movie where the protagonist wins and kills the antagonist in the end, we cheer, because the bad guy was only that, bad. It seems this idea has seeped into our culture and the labels of "good" and "bad" are now not just for fictional characters, but are being applied to real live people. Scroll through your Facebook feed and you will see very clearly who people think are the good guys, and who people think are the bad guys.

For the atheists it's the religious, for the religious it's the sinners, for the powerful it's the politicians, for the politicians it's the poor. And the list goes on each of us constructing in our mind who the good guys and bad guys of the world are. Sometimes I wish I could see things as clearly as it seems everyone else in society and modern-day culture does.

I wish I could take a side, and easily identify the good guys and the bad guys. Who like me, have a good and beautiful sites to them, and dark and twisted sides to them. All of which make up the whole of who we are. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe even though it's difficult sometimes, and confusing. We were never meant to see people as a monolith, we were never meant to see a person as all good or all bad.

Instead we are supposed to acknowledge our fallen and broken nature, while remembering that beauty that lives inside of all. From the day we come out of the womb and into this world we begin a lifelong search of finding ourselves. Later in our adolescence we try out new styles, hairdos, and music. We do all of this in effort to define the identity we were created looking for. We do it to find a place where we belong and to find a way to connect to the world around us.

We see conservatives against liberals, white against black, men against women. And what started out as a basic human need for identity has turned into a world divided against itself, threatening to, as it always throughout history has, become a fight for which identity will win, leaving in its wake hate, violence, bitterness, division, and rage.

So what can we do? How can we connect and try to rectify the world around us when our identities and labels are so different? If you, like I, believe in a creator-- especially one that decided to create us all in His image, you suddenly find an identity about yourself that rises above all the usual worldly identifiers like race, sex, sexual orientation, social status, etc.. If we believe that we are created by a loving God-- suddenly we realize that we are ALL apart of this identity that says, no matter who you are, where you're from, what color you are, what gender you identify as, or how much money you have, you are first and foremost designed in the image of a loving Creator, as is everyone else in the world around you.

One that divides and separates you from others? Or the one that helps you realize we are all created in the image of the Divine? This is something I have known for as long as I can remember. My fingers were always tapping on something while my mind changed thoughts like channels.

I was the kid who would wear bright colors and burst out singing, making me an easy target for bullying. I was the kid who hoped the screamo music I listened to would drown out the barrage of unwanted thoughts that would burst into my head, thoughts that made me wash my hands so much and so hard they would start to bleed. I was the kid who tried as hard as I could to fit in, but no matter what I did always found myself on the outs. It was like there was the whole world and then there was me. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be like everyone else who seemed to have it all together.

Often, when those feelings would overwhelm me, trusted people in my life would encourage me to open my Bible. I fought it for the longest time, wondering what good it could possibly accomplish in the face of such a daunting struggle. When I finally did, I found myself continually surprised. I found story after story of broken, crazy, sinful, doubting, struggling outcasts who God decided to use instead of perfect people. I could go on and on.

My unbridled energy gives me the ability to keep going with others grow weary; my chaotic mind gives me the capacity to come up with creative ideas; my obsessive thoughts help remind me that life can be lived in a thoughtful and intentional way. Whatever it is in our lives that make us feel different will often be the way that God will most powerfully work through us. God can use us not just in spite of our differences but because of them. Check out my story of how God told a beautiful story with my life, not in-spite of, but because of the differences I have.

It would seem us humans are a little more narrow minded than God and seem to have a hard time holding the entire context of a situation in our limited perspective. As a result we very often do away with an aspect of God that isn't comfortable for us with and cling to the aspect of God that best suits our agendas and needs. On one hand we have this need to live by God's law. To establish His holiness and unchanging, unbending nature that lives by the law and upholds truth no matter what.

But this so often leads us to look down on others or ourselves for being unable to live up to an impossible set of standards. But what if it's not just one or the other? What if instead truth is found only when we fully embrace both? I think it's only when we fully realize the unbending holiness of God that puts into perspective the true darkness and weight of our sin can we ever begin to feel the depth and force of his love and grace. To feel one we need the other. If we remove the seriousness of our sin, we then remove the need to be saved from it, which leads us to not even needing Gods grace to begin with.

So how about instead of anesthetizing destructive behavior to make us and others feel better, we be honest about the weight and negative effects it has? I don't know, but perhaps we would start to know and show God not as something we think looks good, but instead as the beautiful savior He truly is. I have spent many years in Los Angeles, a place where daily as I walk down the street I am confronted with a barrage of flashing billboards covered with beautiful faces with promises of becoming the next "big thing".

A place where I have spent the last five years working towards becoming an actor finding myself in countless conversations, in auditions, on set, at restaurants, even church, about finding that "big break" that will finally bring the attention we came here find. I have spent time with famous people, while watching adoring fans fawn uncontrollably, hoping for pictures and autographs.

I have watched as paparazzi risk their lives running in front of traffic just to get a glimpse of a passing "star". Even beyond my city, as I open my laptop or turn on my phone, I am faced with the realization that we are a generation obsessed with fame, and popularity, counting our worth by the numbers on a screen as we spend hours and days crafting the image we present to the digital world in hopes of attracting more people to "follow" "like" and "share" us, every click serving as the fix for the high we so desperately long to validate the identity we are building for ourselves.

And If I'm being completely honest, I want it, all of it. I want people to think I'm a big deal, someone worth jumping in front of traffic for a glimpse of, or worthy of a billboard.

I want the satisfaction that my life is important enough to obsess over, and the knowledge that I am someone important. We look at our screens and magazines and see everything we don't have but long to be, put together, taken care of, adored, validated, respected, loved. But recently as I studied arguably to most famous person in all of human history Jesus-- I found something very surprising. I found a man, who called himself "humble and meek". A man who claimed to be God incarnate, preforming inexplicable miracles, but would do so hesitantly because of a crowd saying "It's not my time".

A man who after bringing someone back to life, told them to "tell no one" and man who, when being in the middle of a roaring crowd would disappear to be alone. A man who treated everyone regardless of title, sex or age, with the same respect and dignity. A man who chose to spend most of his time not on a stage, but eating, talking, and living with the poor, needy, dirty, broken, and outcast.

After coming to this realization I saw how different the priorities of ours are to that of Jesus' God's. Even the ones who call themselves followers of his-- daily I watch as Christian bloggers relentlessly vie and scheme for more hits and followers, while christian figures tout pictures of themselves with pop stars, I spectate as christian companies use Jesus as a marketing tool to sell more shirts, movies and music, while popular pastors soak up attention like rock stars, as they stand in bright lights in front of big screens and thumping music.

And all of it makes we wonder, if Jesus were here today, where would he actually be found? I remember walking into a charity event being put on by my church at the time. It was being held at one of the nicest hotels in Hollywood, and was meant to raise money for the needy. As the I passed through the doors past all of the shiny people into the event, there in front of the stage was an area roped off with velvet barriers, complete with bottle service, and comfortable furniture, it was the area reserved for VIP's and celebrities.

I watched as the pretty and rich were ushered in, while the rest of us looked on. Part of me wanted in, wanted to feel the pleasure of being seen as someone important enough separated from the "normals". But then another part of me wondered if Jesus had showed up that night, would he have made it in? My guess is no, my guess is that even if he could've he would have chosen to spend his time with those who might never be rich or important enough to be in what the world considers the VIP area.

In fact I wonder if he would have been there at all, or perhaps more likely he would have been on the streets with the homeless who wouldn't have even made it inside.


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So I have come to the conclusion that I don't think God cares about celebrities, he cares about people. Don't get me wrong, I think fame can be used for good, and popularity for a positive effect, but more often than not, we create it into an idol to be worshiped instead of a tool to be used; and in the end the only thing God cares about is our hearts. What would it look like instead of working to build more popularity or our "online presence", we worked towards kindness? How would we change if we put a little less effort into racking up accomplishments, and instead made moral decisions when no one is watching and "likes" aren't a possibility?

What would it look like if instead of trying so hard to get into to be considered a VIP, we make effort to make those around us the very important people? Could it be that perhaps we would begin to find true validation in who we were created to be and not the facade we are trying to create?

That his main concern isn't your outward appearance, but instead the condition of your heart. And while, another "like", and a new line on a resume is nice-- how beautiful is it to know that regardless of anything you can do, the creator of the universe adores you, to the point of giving his life for you? A realization of this magnitude will forever outweigh any fading accolade from this world. I think no matter who you are or what you believe, we have all been in a place where we have looked up and said "God, can you hear me?

This past year has been one of the hardest I have ever experienced, I have felt loss, and pain, but I have also felt myself draw nearer to my creator. This poem is something that was created out of the experiences I have felt recently, I hope it can connect to you. What do we do when the ones we love, leave?

When we give our souls to those who simply cannot give theirs back, and we find our hearts broken. What do we do when we are betrayed by kisses and promises of forever. What do we do when love becomes hard, and we face a broken world that threatens to make our love cold, and our spirits bitter? What do we do when we no longer know if we can love, or even what love is at all? There's a thought now, that accepting yourself the way you are, and the things you do, will bring about happiness. That all those years spent worried about what other people think, and trying to be something you weren't meant to be, will be made right, when we simply stop trying.

And like every effective lie, there is a hint of beautiful truth in it. But does it stop there? If we take this as evidence that there is no standard for us to live up to, nor any versions of ourselves we should to strive for beyond the one we currently inhabit. I think we do our hearts, souls, bodies, and relationships a grand disservice. I believe in God, I believe in the design behind the universe, I believe in purpose. When you look at any facet of life, at its root you will find the fingerprints of an artist, weaving together both physical and abstract for a beautiful intention to live into.

God tells us we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". And the arch of Jesus' message was urging us the realize the the we were put in a story that moves us forward into greater beauty and fullness the more we choose to follow it. But there is another factor a play, our own darkness, rebellion, and resistance to work and feel pain.

It's our desire to do things our way, apart from that design, and apart from the pressure to live into the person we were created to be. I can remember a time in my life, when after growing tired of worrying and struggling with the disappointment of being unhealthy, depressed and 40 pounds overweight, I gave up. I didn't know it though, in fact when I gave up I believed in my heart I was doing something good. I said to myself, "this is who I am, and I accept myself". The reality was, I wasn't actually accepting myself, but instead denying myself the better person I could become.

To simply, and concretely accept ourselves the way we are, denies ourselves the beauty of the creatures we could become. This truth finds its way into every facet of life, physical, mental, professional, etc. The hard truth is, we live in an imperfect world, one that is filled with sickness, disease, abuse, hurt, baggage, addiction, injustice, and fear.

And believe it or not, everyone of us been touched by the brokenness that this world has to offer. None of us are perfect, "no not one". None of us are even close. But the beauty, I see, is that our loving Creator accepts us in the middle of our brokenness and pain, but doesn't stop there. He then offers us what no one else can, a story forward. But to live into Beautiful story, we must stop accepting our brokenness as health, stop looking to escape the hurt, and instead learn to recognize and face our pain and brokenness. We must learn to desire the light He offers more the safety and comfort of the darkness we already live.

Pain is the muscle that tears to make us stronger and the surgery that cuts to make us whole. Don't run from hurt but instead embrace, own, and live with it. I encourage you to remember, we all have different paths, different battles, different darkness as individuals we must face. And it's easy to judge other people's paths because you have not been on it, or someone else's fights because it is not your own. But the reality is you have your own paths, and fights to experience. The beauty is realizing whatever journey and battle you or anyone else is facing, we can know we are loved no matter what, and because of that love, we have a way forward, past simply coming to terms with our weakness, and into a stronger more beautiful self.

What actually is love? What does love look like lived out and acted on? What does it truly mean to love someone? I always hoped and believed that love was more than just a nice sentiment or pretty adjective, but instead was something stronger than any human emotion, something that pulled us through our weakness even when our strength was failing and our feelings waning.

Could it be, that our hope must lie beyond our selves, beyond the mistakes we are bound to make, and the weakness we are fated to live with. Waited till God had enough. Waited until I was thrown out of the nest, and was forced to fly. No matter what happens, we will be forced to face our fears, and we will be given the choice to leap into our bliss, or cower into our suffering.

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God will continue to hold out his hands of opportunity. God will continue to tell us we can fly. We say no to ourselves and we turn our backs on God. This is why we suffer. This is why we live with depression. This is where our anxiety comes from. This is why we are rageful. When we deny ourselves, when we step away from the cliff that is calling our soul to fly, we dishonor God.

Yet, here we are. A society of wantabe obedient believers, Casting ourselves out of heaven, separating ourselves from God and all the blessing. So stop listening to the fear, Stop bleeding out your power, Stop allowing this world to steal your glory. PS — Tomorrow is the day! Will you be joining me? I sure the f-ck hope so. I am so excited about this 10 day experience with you, where we will cover the ten most important areas around getting into soul alignment and creating that F-ck YES! Life that you desire and deserve. This Facebook Global workshop is focused on alignment asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life.

I accessed the pre-work and instantly felt the changes in my thinking. I feel like you just get me and where I am at. I have followed you for years and having this opportunity to work with you is so exciting. Do you have a calling that is screaming at you? Do you crave an authentic, blissed out life?

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Do you feel like you have tried all these things but are still just standing at the side lines of your life? Start living your Truth. Start Calling in your blessings. The weather outside is frightful. The winds of change blow through my world. I could focus in on my fears, my doubts and worries.

There is so much in this moment of my life that could easily carry me away like a kite in a storm. Some days I wake and feel the pressure of all of this. Other days my world feels light and full of sunshine. No matter what the day starts like I make the choice as to how i show up.

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How i respond to the stimuli that life is providing. These are the moments where i command in my blessings or i crash in the wake of the storms.

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Today is like any other. So like any good abundance queen I choose to lean into my pleasure. I choose to breathe into my joy. I choose to reap the blessings that are all around me. And choose to share in the wealth. When the storms of life gather around you. Let them rain down and cleans you. Find shelter in your pleasure Shelter in your self love. PS- Be sure to grab my new workshop. A 10 day asskickery to design the life you have always wanted. Never missing an opportunity to reconnect.

Never missing an opportunity to lean in and heal. Never missing an opportunity to hear a message from spirit. The messages of support from God always is speaking to us if we are willing to listen. Tonight I find myself in just this.

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Tonight i craved masculine energy. Originaly blocking the night out for one, Then moving my focus to another, Then landing on the one I was to connect with. The one who in his oh so cool fashion, his deep respecting of the energy just held the space. In his sharing and listening Spoke a truth i so needed to hear for my soul. In gratitude as always. Gratitude for this beautiful life.

Gratitude for this connection. Graditude for the presence. Graditude for the message. This is the good life. Every moment that we share I find myself blessed. Where we share We listen We hold space We bless each other. What is freedom to you? I coach a lot on freedom based living. It is a passion of mine you could say. Since I was a small child I knew that I wanted to be free in all that I do. I could feel the constrictions of society even then and I knew they were not cut out for me.

I knew that there was something more to me than to just live for the junk that society, my church, school and friends were telling me. I knew that I was special in some way, but not the sort of special that we preach to our children today which does not teach them about the realities of life and that sometime loosing is in our story line. That is not special.

That does not show us our true light. Or bring about our gifts. It does not teach us to be the leaders of our stories. It does not create a foundation for freedom based living, it actually only teaches us how to be in service to the under lining communist ways of our current world. This life was intended to be fair.

Fairness is not about everyone getting everything the same, It is not about equal shares. Fairness is about each soul having an opportunity to create the life that they are in alignment to. According to actions and attitude shared it is fair. I am teaching my children about the laws of the universe. These laws go far beyond any man made law. There is nothing wrong with sheeple. Most of the population is just this. But a soul that is in alignment to itself and to God can never accept this state of being.

God wants our greatness, God wants us to surrender to our greatness through his blessings. God wants us to get in the flow of his magnitude and power where nothing is impossible. None of us ever will be. We are prisoners to this thing called life, to being human.

Only when we are back in the full presence of our creator will we be fully free again. That is why Sunday night so many of you look at your clocks and calendars and dread having to go to bed because the next day you are back to the life that you are not in alignment to. That is why Friday rolls around and so many get turned on and start to smile.

This is the day that you can just be you come 5pm. It is not about the money. As a woman who lived this life in this fashion for so many years, who lived pay to paycheck, wished I could more, have more, share more. Wished I could just feel good about who I was and my life. I can tell you that until you have this feeling of freedom, you will never feel fulfilled, happy or aligned. You will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and question everything that is given to you. That is what God meant by free will.

But we have destroyed our free will and replaced it with an illusion of unearned liberties that do nothing more than cage us in our earthy prison even more. This morning I sit here on my back patio, drinking my coffee, writing in my creation flow journal. I sit here enjoying the morning sun. The breeze that blows through the trees. It is Saturday, but it is no different than any other morning for me. I sit here as my children come out and snuggle with me, ask me to get them things and play with each other and the dog. My life does not revolve around what day of the week it is.

I do not take vacations from my life. I do not feel any dread over any day. I have no annual reviews that dictate what I will get or loose. I live in joy.

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I live in abundance. I connect consistently with those I love. I do not work. I let my essence out and I share. Not from a place of what I think is society correct or a fear of what someone will think, but ONLY from a place of my authentic soul. It is where I am in the moment, what my soul wants to express and what I feel called to. I do not do anything based on anyone else. My soul flies free like a willow tree. Here is freedom based living.

Here is our truth. Here I sit this morning watching my children play. Here I basking in the moment of this magical life, where anyone can create what they want. You will know pretty quickly, because it is at your doorstep. It will show itself to you with every step you take today.

You are the creator of your life. PS — Recently I launched my newest online workshop. It is 10 days of alignment asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life. You are not being real with yourself. Seriously you are not. You may have some ego pop up in you from reading these words, you may want to argue it and fight it and point to all the ways that you are authentic and truthful, but in reality you are not showing up as your radiant authentic self. How can I make this bold statement?

Because none of us are. We are all hiding from aspects of ourselves, we are all in denial of our truth. We mask ourselves from these flaws, these nasty little monsters that we keep locked away in the closets of our personality and mind. I was having a conversation with a man a few weeks ago and the topic of authenticity came up. He asked me why I colored my hair and why I put extensions in my hair.

He told me he thought that I was beautiful just the way God created me and he wondered why I would not just authentically be me the way God intended at my birth. I attempted to explain to him that I did these things with my hair because I wanted to. It was not for anyone but myself and it was all about how they made me feel.

His response was one based in his care for me and his adoration for who I am and what I share that helps him understand his life and relationships with more clarity and ease. But the energy that it met me with felt like control. The more I found myself explaining my choices, the more I felt like I was dealing with my father and was somehow in a position of explaining myself and getting his permission. Which is sheer craziness for this particular relationship for sure, however the energy that was there was still the same. And it was met by my frustration of having to explain when I find no need to explain myself.

I do what I do, for me not anyone else. It is that simple. Yet here I was in this conversation. I was perfect as I was. Why do you have to change yourself? I put on the clothes that I feel best in each day, whatever that may be. I do not dress because of some dress code or how I believe I want people to perceive me, I dress how I desire based on my mood in the moment.

I make choices for my body and how I choose to show up physically in the world based not on what someone is telling me or how I will be perceived but on who I am in that day. Some days I feel like a sultry seductress who wants to wear no panties, a skirt with a slit up to my mid thigh and a revealing top. Some days I feel like I want to put on my professional hat and be very of the mind and structures so I put on more traditional business clothes.

Then there are the days where I look like a total biker bitch. The days where I could give Princess Diana bless her soul a run for her money on beautiful dresses. You may be shaking your head in agreeance right now, or wonder why the eff I am even writing about this. All we can ever do is try and show up as authentic as we can in any given moment. And our hair, clothes, makeup or anything else that we choose to add to our physical being is not a masking of our truth.

There are plenty of us who use these things to hide from ourselves or choose what we do with our physical beings based on what society, work, family say we should do, but when you get right down to it. If you feel deep into yourself, you will see that the way you choose to express yourself is yours and only yours. The more in alignment you are to who you truly are, the less likely you are to make decisions based on anyone other than yourself.

The ONLY thing you ever need to realize is that the expression of you that you let be seen needs to come from your soul, not your fear of others. True authenticity is about your heart and soul. It is about alignment and revealing just this. PS — Today is the launch of my newest online workshop. It is 10 days of asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life. Skip to content Standing at the cliff I looked down. THEN… Then a woman, she is fearful, she is anxious, she is nauseating in her energy. Her reflection in me, overcame my very desire.

No matter what happens in life, our lessons come for us. And we loose ourselves to this world. We condemn his greatness. And we separate ourselves from his glory. And feel the abundance. I remember the days it would have been to be exact that my husband then and I were working our asses off with a financial service company. This was the place everyone wanted to get to. It was the starting point of the lap of luxury. We looked at the six figure earners in the company with awe.

Their houses were gorgeous. Their kids went to the best schools. They went on multiple trips every year to tropical destinations. They had freedom in their time. They wore top quality clothes and accessories. They had it all going for them. There were hardly any worries at this mark. Here we were a young couple with a baby and another one on the way. Working three jobs between us. We were on government funded health care. We were getting WIC for help with food and nutrition.

We relied on the help and support of our families just to get by. But we had a dream. It did not even back then. But at least it was a starting point to seeing the red carpet. At least it showed some material rewards of living a life that was freer than most. Back in the day, when this number seemed so impressive to me and it was what I strived for but never could achieve, I found myself believing that life would be so much better at k than it was where ever I was at. Flash forward to I run my own business. I raise my children. I travel to tropical destinations. Money just flows through me you could say.

My eye is not set on multi six figures, but on multi seven figures. My income grows expansively each year. And my time expands with it. In we worked three jobs to make ends meet plus borrowed from our parents. For this and to those I have hurt on my journey of life, I am sorry. The title of this combination of words is I am Legion.

This entry was posted in Human Relationships , Musings and tagged dean lewis , heart , horcruxes , i am legion , insecurity , Love , over thinkers anonymous , pieces and time , pieces of your heart , poem , Poetry , release , waves. Posted on February 8, Updated on February 8, I bet you saw that heading and half expected me to talk about how we are going to protest and kick start a revolution either peaceful or violent that topples the current political class.

We will do all this and have the country run by intelligent and politically awake youth who will take Nigeria to the promised land and we will live happily ever after. Yeah sounds like something I would say or write 5 to 10 years ago. I believe we all have a right to voice our grievances and put pressure on our political class to effect positive change. Now, would they listen?

Equal opportunity loudness, everyone is shouting yet very few actually make sense. This entry was posted in Africa , Musings , Nigeria , Politics and tagged 2face Idibia , Black History Month , crowdfunding , crowdfunding political parties , istandwithnigeria , Nigeria , Nigerian politics , Nigerian Youth , ourmumudondo , political class , political party , Politics , revolution , tuface idibia , youth. Posted on December 8, Updated on December 8, What if I told you that I have discovered and formulated the grand unified theory of baes, an algorithm for finding the one you were destined to be with?

Now the question of whether the concept of the one is tenable is another thesis. Would you give me the nobel prize for physics? Would you call me raving mad? I believe for many it would be the latter and you would be right. As far as I know, there is no grand unified theory for finding bae except what I believe is my hypothesis that love alone is not enough.